Fake Friends. Real Jack Donkeys.

I would bet a lot of widows can relate to this one. A tragic death, lots of (in my case, very unwanted) random public attention and suddenly, out pops a flood of *barely* acquaintances that act like they are so beyond heartbroken over their loss. The first few I saw made me laugh, don’t they know or care that his actual family and friends who KNOW that he barely knew them will see it? Wouldn’t that be so embarrassing? Imagine if we called them out on it?!

While the first few made me roll my eyes and chuckle, it grew more and more annoying. And then came the random people approaching me in public. With the sudden loss of our family of 7’s sole provider, a go fund me was created by an amazing family member to help get us through until we could figure out social security and life insurance (that will be another blog, oh mannnnnnn, that process. Ugh). The cover photo for that AMAZING, LIFE SAVER of a fundraiser was one of the most precious family pictures of us all together. The photos taken at that last photo shoot will forever be some of my favorite possessions. The downside to all of that, most of our small town now knows who I am. While 95% of the new people I have met from this wonderful community that have supported us through this are absolutely golden human beings, there remains the last 5% that make leaving my house so much harder then it already is.

Some mean well, and I have to constantly remind myself to just focus on the fact that their intentions are good. I am fully aware that in these situations there is no right answer on how to act and it is surely scary to know how best to interact with me. I will never fault someone with good intentions. Ever. I wish I could make sure all my earth angels know that.

But. That 5% man. Just why? People with zero connection to my family using our heartbreak to loudly get attention at our expense. For example- I have finally worked up the courage to go to one of my husbands banks and shut down his account. When I say each of these f*$&ing widow tasks feels like my Everest, I am not exaggerating. It takes weeks of trying to get my brain wrapped around it before I can go in and hold my tears for the task. And then it normally takes a few days to get myself functioning again afterwards as well. As I stand in line, head down trying to distract myself from my phone, the man behind me decides to loudly say for the packed bank to hear “That sucks about your husband. People really need to look out for moose.” … What in the actual hell. Everyone paused and looked. I was immediately shaking, furious, both at his insensitivity and the fact that he was implying my husband had any control over the situation. I replied simply that it’s hard to “look out” for moose through 10’ high snow berms. Thankfully I was saved from anymore interaction by being called to the next window. The poor teller was apologetic and clearly rattled with me. There was no reason for it other then to get the attention and reaction of those around him. He hasn’t been the only one to throw me through a loop when I leave the house. I’m finding there are quite a few people out there that are so uniquely calloused and mean.

It blows my mind that people like attention, I am so far from the opposite and would much rather hide in the shadows unnoticed. It rubs me so wrong when I see anyone “broadcasting” my husband’s death. I try to analyze my actions before I do anything to see what the purpose behind it is. It’s something that has helped me tremendously in making sure my actions speak to who I am. That being said, my take on things like social media has drastically changed. To post a message to his wall on Facebook- to me that sole purpose is so others will see it. You want to do something to connect to him or talk to him? Message him, talk to him, write to him… Those are things you do for you, posting or putting things out for everyone to see is for others to notice. That included things prior to his death, I would never post to his wall to talk to him, it seemed so silly to me. This is just my own personal take on it and I spread no hate on those who do like to share, but it’s something that a lot of people misunderstand my reasoning on why I don’t and haven’t shared much publicly. It’s just not for me.

I hope as time passes that dreaded 5% of people forget about me and that going out gets easier. Until then, grocery delivery and Door Dash are my best friends.

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All the Small Things

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The Story. And the End