He Should Be.
August 24th, 2008 we promised forever. Our wedding was a super short ceremony in my parent’s yard surrounded by a small handful of our friends and family. Sam was still in the apprenticeship at the time and we didn’t have much time with him, so we flew him home for a weekend (which they laid him off for) so we could finally get hitched. My brother, who had been Sam’s best friend since grade school, was our officiant. After we got married we spent a couple nights at Alyeska resort and the following night we took the tram up the mountain and had dinner at their fancy restaurant. Sammy insisted I get the king crab even though it cost a fortune to us young, broke kids. This started a yearly anniversary tradition, we would go on a dinner date and he would insist I get king crab. There are no words to express the agony when I realized that tradition would end at 15 times.
I feel nauseous thinking of our last anniversary together, how completely oblivious to the terror that would come just a few months later. Sammy insisted we take his beloved, yellow VW beetle. He truly loved that thing, so I agreed we could take it so I could see his goofy smile while he drove it around. I snapped a picture at the beginning of the night of us sitting in that car all dressed up. His smile could not have been any bigger. We drove around searching for a restaurant because (of course) we didn’t have reservations. Somehow I wasn’t shocked when blue and red lights starting flashing behind us and I couldn’t help laughing as I explained to the officer we were on our anniversary date. It was merely a taillight out and he sent us away with smile. Finally at a restaurant, we walk in and saw 2 of our friends. It was so fitting for my social butterfly of a husband to be able to sit behind his buddies, laughing and chatting the night away. There were no complaints from me, one thing I loved most was hearing that man’s laugh. It was another beautiful day spent with a content heart bursting with happiness alongside my Sammy. I thought I had a lifetime of those days.
I think of our promise of forever often. While technically we both will keep that promise of unconditional love till the day we die, I still have a hard time accepting that what we thought that promise meant is over. Our dreams of growing old and gray on the porch in rocking chairs is gone. I never used to fear growing old, I celebrated and looked forward to it because I had the company of my favorite person by my side. We would often talk of the future with so much excitement. This year in particular was one we had anticipated for so long. Four kids in high school and one in middle school, plus our oldest graduating, this year was going to be filled with all the chaos, lots of firsts and lasts, pride and all of the happiness we could handle. But this… it shouldn’t be like this.
One thing I never could imagine would be the pain of walking through this life without him. How is it possible that I can exist in a world without him? Everything feels so incomplete. Every moment is spent with a giant piece missing. I’m surrounded by beautiful couples so wonderfully complete with their spouses happily enjoying their lives. It is so clear I don’t belong here, a stumbling solo act in a ballroom of elegant duos. I have 3 words that I fight daily not to think about. The second my brain slips and whispers it to me, tears immediately run down my cheeks as my thoughts derail and it takes a great deal to stop that train of destructive thought.
He should be…
He should be here today taking me to our 15th anniversary king crab dinner. He should be beside me beaming in the stands as we hear words of praise over the speaker for our son. He should be wrapping me in his arms telling me he is proud me. He should be chewing me out for hauling a bathtub out of my cabin remodel project by myself. He should be holding my hand like a lobster as we drive to Anchorage. He should be sitting on the opposite side of the table as me as he asks the kids how their days went. He should be pacing the house doing his obnoxiously loud snap/clap while he thinks out loud how to fix whatever project is in the garage. He should be spinning his nieces in circles on the slick floor until the are so dizzy they can’t walk. He should be driving me crazy by bringing home that “great deal” from Facebook Marketplace. He should be in the lineup of hair I had to cut last night. He should be lying in bed next to me raving about how freaking amazing our kids are. He should be calling me every 15 minutes to just tell me he loves me. He should be taking my head in his hands and helping me through this panic attack. He should’ve been here to pick up the pieces of me when my dad passed. He should be here wiping my tear streaked face and saying something stupidly funny to make me laugh.
It never ends, every moment of my day should have him in it. Those words of truth burn my soul. As a non-religious person I can’t trick my brain into believing there is a reason. It seems as if this has been an open invitation for well intended people to try and change my ways of thinking, but I beg of you to please stop. This is me, this is how my brain works and I accepted that I long time ago. So for me, there is no purpose or promise of a fairy tale reunion in the sky, for me he just should be here.
He should be here. He promised. And I don’t know how to live in a world that he’s not.