Tick Tock
“It will get better with time.”
I hear that over and over and over, yet not once yet from any young widow. So far what I have experienced has been quite the opposite. Each day that passes my inner struggle becomes more and more difficult, I just become better at putting on my mask during the day. I have found that if I don’t think about the concept of time passing by I tend to get through my day a little better. Yet time is inevitable and there is no tricking the clock. At the end of each day when the mask comes off, all the pain of the day washes over me like a tidal wave. Restful nights cuddled up next to my Sammy with a heart overflowing with love has been replaced with long nights filled with darkness beyond measure. That’s the price that has to be paid in order to keep moving when the sun is up.
The days continue to stack up, towering over me and swallowing me whole. Each day that passes adds to the void in my life and the silence only gets deeper. It only becomes harder to accept his absence with each day, as denying that this is reality is less and less effective. The pain never eases, it only sharpens. Every single day brings more pain, more sadness, and more heartache which gets stacked onto what was already haunting me.
Each time there is a moment that should be happy, the overwhelming grief that he isn’t here takes over. Everything just builds and builds. Our last kiss, last I love you, last touch… it all gets further away and my soul frantically is trying to keep it in the present. As hard as the passing days are, it is thinking into the future that is too much to bare. So much so that I can’t delve into that now, but I will simply say that the thought of a lifetime without him immediately feels like it will stop my heart.
I know that people mean well and are only trying to offer hope and comfort when they assure me things will get easier. I think things do get easier for most types of grief. Right now though, it is so hard to know how to respond to those comments. Everyone is so different and while I hope that things are easier for them, how do I gently tell them that it is a hard no for me? I lost my everything, my literal soul, and I’m pretty positive things will never be “better” for me. In a weird way, I have no desire for them to be anyways.
Maybe I am wrong and one day my soul will be more at peace, but for now, the ticking clock will stay my enemy.